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+# That goddamned perfection again
+Since the MiniDebConf Jonas and I have been travelling in
+Spain, France and finally staying in Belgium for a week,
+getting some work done. It's been harder than imagined to
+work during travel. I haven't exercised either, and regained
+at least three of four kilos I spent much time and effort
+getting rid in the year preceding. I thrive in my home and
+find it hard to keep my own time and focus when I am deprived
+of my own space.
+
+It was challenging to give a talk, "Why aren't more designers
+using Debian or working for Debian", my first public talk.
+I've been working to recapture my points in writing, to make a
+stronger statement, but I seem to blur my own views with
+conflicting ones, and I'm loosing momentum every day.
+
+One of my reasons for speaking up was to do it even though
+I'm not at trained speaker and have "nothing" to contribute
+but my opinions from the angle of a user that happens to be a
+designer. Not claiming to be a superior designer, but one that
+would like to contribute if it was easier to figure out how.
+And since the community wants to encourage designers to
+contribute to the Debian project, I figured it to be a good
+idea to talk about how this has been challenging to me as a
+dedicated user and completely out of the question for any
+other designer I know - or knew before the minidebconf. No
+reseach, no scientific proofs, just my wiew from my "dumb
+user" and designer's perspective.
+
+I saw one single attendant rolling his eyes during my talk.
+I didn't care at that time, but I've given that look more
+consideration than the people approaching me after the talk,
+saying thank you for voicing _their_ opinions and thoughts.
+I think that's absolutely astonishing and at the same time
+it's just typically me. It makes me angry, first with myself
+for not speaking to this man's perception of things, then with
+myself for not just letting go of that image. I'm really glad
+that so many seemed to listen with curiosity and interest.
+What if one more - or half of the auditorium - had rolled
+their eyes? I don't like to feel that vulnerable.
+
+The truth is, though, that I'm really not. I gave the talk
+against my fear of failure and public humiliation and I'm
+convinced that my thoughts and actions matter, just as
+anybody's does, if we dare to say what's on our minds and to
+take action. I believe it's in anybody's power to "make a
+difference" and even "change the world" - at least in a small
+way. I guess that's one of the underlying reasons to be a
+designer in the first place. That _is_ quite a strong position
+to take.
+
+I've created the wikipage http://wiki.debian.org/Design - well
+knowing that design is a word with many meanings. Everything
+is design. Since the talk I've been in doubt about that page.
+About the project, my aim with it, what to do about it, how to
+move on with just a tiny babystep, and I realise that I'm
+simply afraid to be disturbing someone's peace, making people
+angry or roll their eyes at my fumbling attempts to figure out
+in public what can be done to make a thriving community of
+designers collaborating with coders to make better, more
+usable and attractive software in the free, wide world. I'm
+starting a design process, not presenting a perfect, finished
+solution.
+
+Now, having put these thoughts into words, perhaps, my mind
+will be somewhat appeaced and let me move on with my intended
+tasks of cultivating that acclaimed space in the Debian
+information jungle into a friendly and welcoming place with
+info that makes it easier to be a contributing designer in Debian.
+
+[[!tag english minidebconf debian]]